Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Between and Rock and a Hard Place

Guest Blogger
Esther Veltheim

Which way does a child turn? On the one hand the tiny infant is still close enough to the intuition and her guidance; close enough to sense that not everything mummy and daddy are saying and doing feels right or is correct.
On the other hand how can we doubt our world? We have to feel safe. Whatever it takes! ..... Even if it means turning away from self. If that is what will keep us safe that is what we will do. We are tiny, vulnerable, and we have to trust our world, become as close as possible to it; stay as close as possible to it.
On the one hand we doubt our world. On the other hand we have to trust it. Between a rock and a hard place......."If I doubt my world I will have nowhere to go, nowhere to be safe."
And life has begun. Whatever it takes! "I have to feel safe!" And self-doubt is the only option for the tiny child.
But living in self-doubt is so painful! And the tiny child continuously strengthens its belief in the world around it. And the pain begins to numb. And many times it does not feel right, but the world is becoming bigger and bigger and the tiny child has to believe, can't risk abandonment, can't risk feeling all these feelings.
And here we are; now a teenager, now an adult. We are not so close to the guidance of intuition, but she still tugs at our sleeve; still whispers in our ear. Do we trust her? Can we doubt her a little longer? That is so much easier.
And somehow, no matter where we look, the world does not fulfill us and we cannot fulfill ourselves. We want so badly now to know what this is all about.
"What is life all about?" "What is the point!?" But asking such questions means we have to turn away from our world, away from the familiar....turn back towards that place we had to abandon to stay safe.
Between a rock and a hard place....."can I feel safe anywhere?!" "What is this all about?!" "What have I done wrong?" "Who the hell am I?!" "What am I doing here???!"
But we can't bear it any more and the questions start coming. And people think we are crazy and we begin to doubt ourselves where, before, we had no least not as many. At least we could kid ourselves we were just fine thank you. "It was easier not to ask!" "Why did I begin trying to understand myself?" "I should have just left things as they were!"
But here I sit "between a rock and a hard place" ..... and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Something is happening. The questions. The questions are key. No time to focus on the doubts. This little child in me has so many questions. She is teaching me how to ask and what to ask. We sit here together and I make room for her......
Between a rock and a hard place.
From tiny child to adult, much of our lives we sleep between the rock and a hard place. We don't question. We don't even know the huge boulders are there; like huge blinkers, narrowing our vision, blinding us to our self, to everything; distorting our vision inside and out. We don't question anything. We know everything.....and what we don't know we are sure we can find answers for or prove.
Between a rock and a hard place.
This is where we begin our life, all of us. A choice that is no choice. But now we are grown. Maybe not "grown ups" but we are grown and we have a choice. Now we can question. Now we can doubt what we could not dare to doubt as tiny infants. Now we can question anything; everything!!....If we remember how.
Between a rock and a hard place, but at least now we have options, choices. And we can choose to lie down and sleep, "to sleep, perchance to dream." Or we can take life into our own hands, start taking responsibility for our experience....start doing.....
Perhaps this is a very good place to be. To begin from the beginning. Maybe there is nowhere to go, nothing to become, maybe I just need to actually be here .....maybe there is a way to be here that I have yet to discover.
Between a rock and a hard place.
Maybe there are possibilities here where I thought there were none.

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